I overanalyze things way too much.  I obsess over things way too much.  I can't move past things.  I regret.  I make silly wishes about going back in time and changing things. 

None of this can be very good for my psyche.

Breathe in, breathe out. 

Damn it.  If you tell someone you're gonna call, then fucking call.  I hate being that girl.  I'm not waiting any longer on this damn call.  Fuck.  I'm done. 

Maybe I'm dodging a bullet.  Man, I hope I'm dodging a bullet.  Then again, a guy who does LSD isn't exactly my type anyway...

This is good.  I'm good. 

Okay, I'm done.

In other news... [haha]

Not a lot going on.  Summer classes and working in a library.  Neither are too bad and neither are too good.  It all balances out. 

Nothing more to really say.  Wish I had something more.  Maybe some other day.

Edit: Nevermind.  I hope he doesn't call.  I'm not mature enough for this.  Really.

Edit 2: Okay, he called.  Whatev.  I wish I had something more interesting to say, but right now I'm sleepy and right now I need to be getting ready to go to class.  Bummer.

I took Jung typeology test.  My results were: INTJ.  I took one before, a while back.  I think my results then were the same, except I'm not sure I had Thinking.  I'm thinking I was INEJ maybe, if that is a choice, whatever the opposite of the T is. 

I was going to post more, but I'm tired.  Exhausted, really.

Currently, I'm sitting in a hard chair at my desk, my feet are propped up on the bed next to this specific desk as well.  Next to my laptop is a lamp, scissors, my green ipod, nail polish, paper clips, my cell phone, three black pens, a pencil, hot pink post-it notes, and an empty diet coke bottle.  The drawers are empty, but they haven't always been.  Ive spent the day and most of the night packing.  Unfortunately, at first glance, things look the same, but most of my clothing drawers are empty, my closet is very bare, under my bed is empty as well.  I've taken down my pictures as well, though my Led Zeppelin poster is still up.  I've also packed away the stuffed animals I have recieved this year, as well as the valentine's cards, and all my books.  The sad thing, is this, all this stuff has filled my car.  I'm afraid I'm not going to have enough room to bring my backpack home as well.  Well, I'll have room, because I will make it so, but the fear is still there. 

School is almost over for the year.  I'm looking forward to this, greatly.  It's so hard to bring myself to get up and go to class anymore.  To open a textbook is almost impossibe, I just refuse to do it.  I wish it wasn't this way.  It's not the classes either, it's my own laziness.  Then when grades come out, I'll be moaning and depressed because I didn't get the GPA I want, and whose fault will it be?  My own. 

I don't want to be here, now.  I want to be elsewhere.  Prague maybe, or Amsterdam or Budapest.  I'll even take Jakarta.  I just want out of this state (Missouri and mental).  I have a few more years thought until I have a chance to get out, but even then I probably won't.  I'll find something to hold myself back.

Lovely. 

Things have changed a bit since the last time I posted, despite the short amount of time. 

I smoked a cigarette last night and another one tonight.  This isn't typical behavior.  Usually when I smoke, I'll have one and then it will be weeks before I have another.   In fact, before last night, the last time I had a cigarette was in December.  I don't want to get addicted, plus for the most part, I think cigarettes taste disgusting, Marlboro's especially.  I only smoke when I'm stressed or one is being offered.  Once again, people usually seek me out to smoke with them, but last night, I sought them. 

I'm not concerned...just perplexed.  I really am not that stressed, I guess I'm concerned about some uncertainty in my current situation.

Damn, that sounds entirely too vague.

The other night, when I was not entirely... of a normal state, I was talking to a friend.  I mean really talking for once, not just bullshitting around.  It was good.  I liked it and I was comfortable.  However, once I got some sleep and woke up, I was sober and then when I talked to them again, I felt myself distancing myself from them.  I was talking to them in the way that I talk to everyone.  I didn't like it.  It was strange though, as I was talking to them that morning I could feel myself, mentally and emotionally, pulling away, I was entirely conscious and aware of what I was doing. 

I like them and would like to be better friends with them.  I guess I'll just see how things go.

Catharsis is a purging of the emotions, usually through some activity such as music or writing.

That is what this live journal will be for me.  A purging.  A place to organize my thoughts. 

Right now, I'm feeling many things.  I'm tired, sad, content, and resolved. 

Tired because I didn't go to sleep last night until I had finished a paper due today at 5 p.m.  Also had problems sleep because of things that were on my mind.

Sad because my situation is not what I would like it to be and I really don't know how to change it.  Well, I suppose I know of ways to go about fixing it, but I fear that if I make these attempts I'll fail and then I'll be in a worse place because this failure will weigh on my mind. 

Content because even though I'm sad with my situation, I also realize that I could be a lot worse off.  My grades could be better, but they could be a whole lot worse.  I'm interested in a person and I don't think they are interested in me, but I'm also pretty sure that he doesn't hate me either.  My face is a mess, but it can get better and make up can cover it up.  See, things may be bad, but they could be worse.  I guess that makes me a 'the glass is half-full' kind of person. 

Resolved because I talked to a person and had a good talk with them.  I would like to talk to them more and get to know them better, yet I would have to be the one to go about this and I fear their rejection a lot.  In fact, I fear it so much, that I've resolved to just accept that one talk I had with them as a good memory and experience, and leave it at that.  Yes, I want more and would like more, but if they rejected me or did something that made me feel as if they were rejecting me, then I know that I would be extremely saddened and would most likely dwell on that for years and years to come. 

This is enough for now.  I have an application to fill out that is due tomorrow, of course.